The Reboot

I should be sad.

I had to leave the place I called home, say goodbye to the girl I called mine, and walk off of the best job I've ever had. In less than a month.

I should feel defeated, dejected, destroyed, and worthless.

So why the fuck can't I stop smiling?

I guess I just feel liberated. The job? It's a job. I've had many and will have more. The girl? We're still good friends. The house? I'm no less me because I eat and sleep in a different place. It was never really my house in the first place.

In some potentially immature fashion, I guess I just think none of that really matters. I can't seem to shake the feeling that I was like a server that had been on for months without a reboot, experiencing a lagging in life due to a lack of direction and change. Now I'm rebooted and there's no inertia keeping me from picking a direction and flooring it.[1]

Bringing up inertia flung my mind about a bit. Lately I've felt this sort of strange dichotomy in the way I see reality. When I feel hurt, it seems like I'm a disconnected[2] observer watching life play itself out around me. I watch people go through the motions, go to the store, pump gas, say goodbye. It's like a different set of rules applies to me and their existence is less 'rich' or 'real' than mine. When interacting with people in this mental state, I feel defensive, like they'll see that I'm damaged or missing something, or maybe that they'll catch on that I'm the important one and feel slighted. I strongly dislike this feeling.  I actually purchased a pair of sunglasses so I'd be able to avoid eye contact when I don't want any.

Most of the time, however, I feel like someone just gave me the helm to my life back. I feel less and less hurt every moment. Now I can steer in whatever direction I want to go, and the consequences only apply to me. I don't want something to matter to me, it doesn't. I don't want to feel a certain way, I don't. I want something specific to happen, I do it.

It's not a new concept, I just don't typically think about my actions that way since it makes me feel selfish.[3]

I've never completely relinquished control at any point, but I certainly let others take advantage of me and walk all over me quite often. Glenn never lets me forget this. He usually brings it up in a very Socratic fashion. He'll get me to talking, ask a lot of leading questions, and force me to address how I let people treat me.

It bothers him that I'm usually aware of it but I allow it nonetheless. It's not that I appreciate the "abuse," just that I value what they get out of it more than what I'm giving up. I hope I never get to a point where I won't shoulder a cost that benefits someone else more than the absolute value of what I paid.[4]

Well, I expected to post far less than this, but hey, it was a fun ride.

1. Followed by another proverbial crash, another sharp turn, flooring it again... That damned Myers-Briggs test from a few posts back is haunting me with its I-Told-You-So's
2. I think the 'disconnected' feeling is rooted in the fact that I don't actually view myself as more real or more important when thinking rationally, just that gut feeling.
3. I'm aware that the core contradiction in my values is that I deeply abhor selfishness in myself but rely on it in others (Libertarian/Capitalist).
4. Shove that You-can't-make-a-cross-individual-value-judgment bullshittery aside. *You* might not be able to, but *I* can. I agree that I won't be able to measure it absolutely, but I can make a relative comparison. It's a talent that's been hard-coded into me all my life.

ps, if you haven't heard the song listed, I'll ship it to you to remedy that.
  • Current Music
    Soul Coughing -- Idiot Kings

Despite the preponderance of evidence to the contrary, I am alive.

Well then.

I suppose I should begin with an apology for those of you who still remember me and an explanation of where I've been.

Firstly, I would like to point out that the inertia related to not posting or catching up online is *massive*. Secondly, Facebook and its ilk do not do much to assuage the fears. What do I mean by that?

"Jenny just blasted you with where she was at!!! DO YOU WANT TO BLAST PEEPS WITH WHERE YOU'RE AT?!?@!"

"Uh... Please no?"

"Just install WhereIt'sAtBLASTERv2.0 [acceptlolololol] [ignore]"

I mean, it's just that my newsfeed used to tell me all sorts of glorious things that my long lost friends or random internet acquaintances were up to. It was always very brief and pithy.

"Nate is happy"

"Jimmy added 'Asian food and cinema' to his interests"

"Tom changed his status to 'got fired for embezzlement'" <-- keeping it real, Veen style, btw.

"Josiah joined the group 'I once killed a man in cold blood'"

Who can argue with amazing cliff's notes of other people's lives like that? Now it's like opening my email inbox after that fateful September when AOL gave the internet to the people that education forgot. I actually feel like I'm just awaiting a punch to the sac every time I sit down at my computer.

In fact, while writing this I went to download and install aim (at the behest of a friend who I had previously not had any contact with for far, far too long, so you can't fault me for the install) and then I felt vindicated upon signing on.

Nick21773: yes, i logged onto aim SPECIFICALLY TO YELL AT YOU
Nick21773: stop sucking kthxbai

See, it's not paranoia when people confirm that they will actually sign on specifically and exclusively to accost you.

Though in fairness it's not just spam or facebook or fear of IMgasms that has kept me from the precious internet, a lot of it has just been me.

You see I actually have a lot less time and a lot more to do than I have ever had in history, and for a slacker like me, that's goddamed terrifying.

So what have I been up to that has precluded internets? Glad you asked.

I work as a third-party contractor for AT&T pimping out phones to the masses. iPhone or not, I will gladly declare that our shit is, as they say, heat. I am actually the stone nuts at this job and I am slaughtering sales. I even got my name on an actual plaque which I submit as exhibit A.



Sidenote: I got an 8525 with an infy data plan. It inspired me to attempt to blog while I was flying to San Diego [see later] but it turns out there is no internet at 30,000 feet and I didn't want to have to explain myself to four hundred pounds of Juan The Enforcer with the TSA when I landed.

When I'm not at work, I'm usually at home or at Jen's house, who if you don't know is the amazing, intelligent, and beautiful creature who has inexplicably decided to spend time around me and I'm lucky enough to call my own. Below is the Jen in her natural habitat.



My place is kickass. I'm living with Glenn again. Turns out that moving 450 miles  [http://tinyurl.com/yq4gzp] just isn't far enough. The decor is almost 100% technology or stolen Magic tournament ornamentations. If it fits neither of those two categories, you sit on it or put things in it.



Speaking of Magic tournaments, there have been a lot of them recently. Alright, I just don't feel like finding a segue for this. I got to judge the Pro Tour. That's right, bitches. There is, in fact, a Magic: the Gathering Professional Tour, and I did, in fact, fly first class to San Diego and back to get paid to officiate it.

As only the Slim Jim King Macho Man Randy Savage can put it:

Ooooooh Yeeeeeeeee-uh!



There could be endless additional photo posts of foils, heads of the DCI in incriminating/embarrassing situations, etc, but I'll just leave it at the pretty scenery.

Right now I'm just glad I finally posted. There are certainly more topics of a serious variety, like the meanderings of my mind in the wee hours of the morning, nostalgia for the people and places of .mi, the windfall of cash I happened into based entirely on what seems to be the parentally visible failings of my little brother, and just various musings on life and *gasp* growing up. In fact, all of those things would have been here if the internet was more cooperative. But instead I was forced to blows, and now it's 2:30AM. And with that I say:

Fuck it.

--Veen

P.S. Yeah, it's been a long time. Yes I know this isn't facebook or myspace. Yes I do want comments. Yes, I will probably post again if this gets positive replies. Yes, your mom did look really hot in that dress.
P.P.S. Glenn told me, and I was very close to doing so, to call this post "Win the Girl, Kill all the Bad Guys"
P.P.P.S. Poker and the irc'ers (or anyone who gets the reference) There's still a dollar if you get the reference from this PT:SD picture.

Because, y'know, you gotta take the elevator to the mezzanine...

(no subject)

So I took the Myers-Briggs again. It's not generalized enough for me to call it bullshit, but I want to since it's so disturbingly accurate and I don't really like being summed up by 60 questions. Also, it doesn't bode well for my future.

Strap in.
 
The Inspirer

I kind of like it better when they call me "Champion" or "Visionary" but this'll do.

As an ENFP, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is internal, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system.

 enough of your obnoxious psycho-babble, Nicole Simpson can't rap, and I need answers.

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential.

See? I knew I should have kept up that "being smart" schtick. It's also important to note how many times they mention the words "potential" and "possibilities." I shall keep a tally.

They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types.

What this means is you should listen to me. I'm full of goodness and inspiration.

They can talk their way in or out of anything.


Alright, cut the beat.

This is by all means true. I have talked my way out of a *felony*. This is what I mean when I say someone has "The Voice"

more on that later.

What this also means is that I'm afraid that sometimes I don't really deserve the things I have or that I haven't paid my dues where I should have. I hate feeling manipulative, I hate feeling misuderstood or misinterpreted, I hate feeling like I conned my way into some(any)thing. This was not always the case, but I'm a lot different now. If this doesn't sound like a big deal to you, read it again. This is my worst fear and my biggest flaw.

This would be my psych test for the Academy. That or snipers. Snipers are fucking scary.

They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

Hell. Fuck. Yes. Absolutely true. If I don't make something of my life or enable someone to make something of theirs, I have failed.

And here's where destiny plays the mindfuck. What you can't see is that line break was in fact  an hour of real time. I just went to pick up Andy Miller from work since he was going insane. He received some pretty awful news today. He got in the car and we started talking. The first thing he says to me?

"We're going to do something people remember, right?"

Truer words.

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents.

what they meant to say is "they rock everybody's shit at everything"

They are good at most things which interest them.

if I'm not good at it, why am I interested in it?

Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime.


Welcome to fear number two.

Over the course, I've wanted to be an Architect, Teacher, Lawyer, Gamer, Sailor, Detective, FBI Agent, Soldier, Scientist, Comedian, Senator, and Entrepreneur. All of those encompass a part of my personality but not all. I've never really been resolved about any. At least, resolved to the point where I could actually *see* myself doing this in the future. Throughout all of it, I've been able to see myself as an Ambassador or Diplomat, but never thought I could hack it. Check back in 20 years. I'll be representing you overseas.

To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values.


I really can't explain how dead on this is, so I'll just leave it at that.

ps, sometimes I'm actually directionless. Rather, motivationless. Please just kick me.

An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right.

There are people who don't?

They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace.

If I ever achieve it, you'll hear about it. As far as meaning in *everything*... Okay, yeah, maybe. Fine. Fucking know-it-all test. I'll see my foot meaning up your ass...

They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves.

Ding ding ding.

All I've got right now is the knowledge that I try to do the right thing. The scary part is that I'm the one who decides what's right.

If you see me slip, either help me up or get away.

Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.

I've seen multiple different sides of the tracks, I've seen good, I've seen bad, I've done right, and I've done wrong, I've been happy, I've been sad. I've learned from everything.

My values are STONE. I just hope the etching is correct.

For what it's worth, I'm not afraid of turning evil anytime soon, it's a long-term fear. I'm tested on a fairly regular basis. I can honestly say I'm proud of a decision I made last night. NOT AN EASY CALL.

An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.

Here's where you come in. I don't care who you are, if you're reading this, you are charged with a task.

I've heard "you have so much potential" "you are destined for great things" and the like. A lot.

What I need is someone to push me off the cliff so I can try to fly.

My goal is to make this: "and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving" never happen.

I feel like I've been given the syllabus to life and the professor opened class with "you will only take from this class what you put in."

Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships. ENFPs almost always have a strong need to be liked.

Yup.

Sometimes, especially at a younger age, an ENFP will tend to be "gushy" and insincere, and generally "overdo" in an effort to win acceptance.

Never did that shit. ¬_¬

However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true to themselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the best in others,

Welcome to the dream.

and are typically well-liked.

I am a consummate badass. That is why I am well-liked. Also, I am jolly, and very occasionally witty.

Go on, admit it. You like me.

They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.

Doesn't mean I'm always right. If I think I'm on your level, and I'm not, berate me.

Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivous to these types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP's family members.

Yeah. My mom is quite tolerant.

I'm working on the maintenance thing. After this, I'm going to work on the house.

An ENFP who has "gone wrong" may be quite manipulative - and very good it. The gift of gab which they are blessed with makes it naturally easy for them to get what they want. Most ENFPs will not abuse their abilities, because that would not jive with their value systems.

And here we revisit "The Voice"

My father abused it. My brother has the seeds to (but I think he'll be fine).

What started the thought process was hearing my brother explain that the reason my friends weren't talking to me and the friends of his I used to relate to didn't want to anymore was because, y'know, he was angry and "you know how it is, Andrew, the audience..."

ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.

We will call this the "Punt" phenomenon. I have many under my belt. Despite seeing things as they were, having all of the information, and having everyone's best interests in mind, I fuck everything up.

ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have a difficult time remaining happy in marital relationships. Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values will keep many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experiences.


Oh please $deity, tell me I've got this. There is so much more I want to say here, but it will have to come at a later time.

Having an ENFP parent can be a fun-filled experience, but may be stressful at times for children with strong Sensing or Judging tendancies. Such children may see the ENFP parent as inconsistent and difficult to understand, as the children are pulled along in the whirlwind life of the ENFP. Sometimes the ENFP will want to be their child's best friend, and at other times they will play the parental authoritarian. But ENFPs are always consistent in their value systems, which they will impress on their children above all else, along with a basic joy of living.

N/A. My parents aren't and I have no kids.

ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they're doing.

I am happy. Like you wouldn't believe.

Because they are so alert and sensitive, constantly scanning their environments, ENFPs often suffer from muscle tension. They have a strong need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controlling others. Their dislike of dependence and suppression extends to others as well as to themselves.

My left shoulder is the nutlow. Nothing else really, I just break myself a lot.

I'd have more to say about control here, but I've read Foucault and it would get out of hand.

ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum. They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of following through.

In sum: You are a renaissance man who is good with people. You've got the tools, Macguyver. Don't fuck it up.

So here's my plea: I'm yelling and I hope you're listening. I'm supposed to be the catalyst. can do that.

I just want you to have my back.

(I know this is in a bit of a different vein than I typically go, but I've had a significant last 3 days and this needed to happen)

--Veen